Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
