worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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