yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
