I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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