I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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