May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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