4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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