Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
i've created a new STD.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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