I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
