I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
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the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
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Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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