I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
