When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
