Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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