I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
