I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
