woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
