we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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