rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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