she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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