woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.