Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We don't watch enough power rangers
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just gargled with NyQuil
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
