Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
