Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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