and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
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naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
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My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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