Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
