I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
