I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
