They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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