a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
