i love accidental penises.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
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then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
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Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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