Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
