Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
