My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
