the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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