dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
