I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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