DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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