I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
