So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
