How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize