living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
