Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
