my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
