moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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