I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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