Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
