I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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