I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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