god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
