i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
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Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
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I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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