I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
