Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just pynch a tree in the face
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
