when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
God, I missed his penis.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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