farters have to be the big spoon...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
